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[Oct. 18th, 2006|10:42 pm] |
I have not written in here for a long time. I have not done a lot for awhile. I did not work for over two weeks and so I have been really stressed. Also I broke my phone and I could not really afford to by a new one. I eventually figured it out. I have so many bills and not enough money to cover them. I hate this feeling and so a big part of me just wants to go back to active duty military. That would solve everything except that I would miss my family so much.
Lately I have been in this weird mood. It is as if I am not really sure what to do with my life yet I am not as motivated as I once was to fix it. I am currently working as a waitress at a sushi restaurant. I am kinda tired of dressing the way you need to to be a cocktail waitress and tired of the way people perceive me. I enrolled in school again and so I will be starting school in two weeks for accounting. Do I want to do this? No! But it is my best option at the moment. I need to go to school online because I cannot afford traditional schooling. This means no science or math which I would prefer. I guess in life, when you waste time as I did, you must make compromises. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2006|10:05 pm] |
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I have not written on this site for awhile but I feel the need. My life is so confusing. I still work with my ex boyfriend and we are trying to be just friends. Then yesterday I find out my grandfather has lung cancer. I did research and 60n percent die within the first year and eighty in two years. This is why I hate smoking. My grandmother died of lung cancer and I am afraid everyone I love will. Why does life have to be so difficult? I know it is a stupid question, the reason is because God only gives us challenges He knows we can overcome. Yet there are so many times I don't think I can. I am always scared of failing and disappointing people. Lately that is all I feel I do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|12:02 pm] |
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My weekend was pretty crappy. I wish I was more able to look to the good in the things that happen in my life but at the moment I only want to dwell on the crappiness of it. anyways, I joined the Army National Guard hoping that I would be able to work in a hospital once a month for a whole weekend. I got to my unit and then I saw that there was no hospital and that my job consists of being on stupid details moving stuff from one connex to another. No medical procedures whatsoever, not even pretend ones. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|08:20 pm] |
I have found a new job which is exciting. It may be a few weeks before I start working there but atleast it is a seperate life, a new life.
Yesterday was a very wierd day. It was my ex boyfriend's birthday and I work with him to begin with but the wierd part was later on. I went with his sister to the mall and on our way back to her house her mother called and told Mirvat that I was coming to dinner. She explained that she cooked all of this food and wanted me to come for dinner. I didn't want to go because of Michael but then Mirvat told me he was not going to be there. So the wierd thing is I ate at his parent's house for his birthday dinner yet he wasn't there. Us three had dinner with his dad, and then watched Willy Wonka. It was a nice night. I then went to my apartment and finished Amelie which I really enjoyed and plan on re-watching tonight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|02:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Work | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The hum of a pressure washer | ] |
time and just deal with
the fighting it is such a
difficult time this
I guess on someone's page there was a link to make a haiku by placing in your username. Above is what was generated. I know it is just a silly game and it is just a coincidence that it holds any relevance to my life but it really does. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|10:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
Today is my ex boyfriend's birthday with whom I work. I am sure it is going to be a very strange day. I am not sure how to act and I feel bad because I think birthdays should be very special days. It is the one day that is semi unique to youself. I had planned on doing things for him which I no longer feel I should. I did buy him a gift which I would still like to give to him but because of the cost people feel I should not. Also, I think if I do he may think that I am doing it to try and get back with him or that I am still pining away for him. I know he is not right for me and so I am okay being without him. It will take awhile to not miss him but I know this is best. Anyways, it is his birthday and I am torn as to what to do. I may just give it to him to spare any guilt for myself, which may be selfish, because I should be doing it to make someone else happy.
Last night I began watching a movie Amelie that my friend suggested. I didn't get to finish but so far I think it is very interesting although it will need to be watched twice because I am sure I missed some things. I love to watch movies with the closed caption so that I do not miss anything and this movie does have subtititles but the spoken word is in french and so while I am reading I miss some of the visual aspects of the movie.
This is off subject and about five minutes after I finished but while looking at the mood choices I found the solution to my first paragraph. |
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| Time |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|09:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
I am actually feeling a lot better. My situation still sucks but I think that him telling me that we will never work because our cultures are too different, helped me. It is always hard to move on but when you come to the realization that the other person does not want to be with you it makes it a little easier. Why try for someone or something when there is no hope in it? I know this is best for me in the long run. It hurts and it sucks being alone but I have family and friends that are really helping. My father has helped me the most through this ordeal. He is able to see what I cannot, or do not, want to see. My father told me that this is the best thing to have happened to me because although Michael may love me he will never treat me the way I should be treated.
I think I am done writing about that part of my life.
This weekend was pretty great for me. I went to a wedding which was ok. Later that night a man I met about month ago came over and we go to hang out for awhile. We played poker and talked. He also brought a book for me to read. I believe it is called, "The Guide to Being a Hipster". It seems interesting. Then last night I saw him and we atched the movie "Everything is Illuminated" which I really liked but I believe I would have enjoyed it more if I could have kept my eyes open the whole night. He is actually leaving today to go back to school so I am glad that I was able to hang out with him a few nights. |
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| LOVE SUCKS |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|11:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Today was the one of the saddest days of my life. I have been with a man for almost a year and we recently broke up. He still told me he loved me and so I thought that we may get back together. I was actually hoping that we would but now I know we won't. There is absolutely no chance and this has broken my heart. He says we are too different culturally and he doesn't feel that it will work. He says I will never change and neither will he. I am willing to change but he then said if I do I won't be the same person. He loves me yet doesn't want to be with me. He said he doesn't want to do this again. Everyone says he is completely wrong for me but I still love him. Us not being together was never a truth I wanted to face and now that I have to I am miserable. There was a time when he thought we were perfect for each other and now he feels we will never work. In my heart I know the only way we will is if I change. I was willing to do that for him. Would I have been happy once I did it? I don't know. I know I love him but I can't have him. I guess this is the beginning of my long path to being happy again. At the moment I am just depressed but I know that him saying this makes it easier for me to move on. I will have bad days and good days for awhile but I will make it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|07:45 pm] |
I just wrote in here but it seems I always have a thought I feel like writing down. At the moment I am sitting here drinking wine and wondering why it is that we go through life often loving someone who does not love us as much in return or atleast does not know how to show it.
I let someone down today. I wish I hadn't. He is really a great man but I met him at the wrong time in my life. I am not sure how different things would be at a later time but right now I feel I will always love Michael. He may not always show his love for me but I know he does. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2006|05:55 pm] |
At the moment my friend, well actually two of them, are at a wedding that I was supposed to go to. Somehow I managed to make it so that one of these friends no longer wishes to speak to me and the other has to go alone.
I have a wedding to go to tomorrow and my ex boyfriend was supposed to go with me. I still love him but we are currently not together. I know the good and the bad about him and I am still in love with him. I don't know if I will ever not be. I asked him again today to go with me o the wedding but for some reason he doesn't want to go. He says that he doesn't want to be around people. This hurts me beyond words. For some reason lately all I do is cry and that is what I am doing at the moment. I keep trying to tell him how important it is but he continues to say he does not want to go. I miss being around him and I want him to be with me this weekend. I am sure it is more than him not wanting to go with me that is making me cry.
I have a fear we will never be together again. I have a fear that this is just a slowpainful break up. I have never felt this strongly about a person nor have I ever been this hurt over the loss. There is a part of me that wants to go back in time and just deal with the anger that he occassionally caused me because this is too hard. All I want to do is cry and sleep and drink. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|01:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
It is late and I am still awake. I wish I was one of those people that could sleep when they were depressed. I just stay up and think about everything in my life. It may be that I have an overanalyzing mind. It seems I am always worrying about someone or something. I think all night long about the current day and the next. I wish, at times, I could dump my thoughts and have an empty mind. What does it feel like to just think of nothing, to be fully relaxed? Any thought causes me to analyze it, whether happy or sad. Maybe it is that I have too much time on my hands. maybe if I had more important things to worry about I would not be this way. Who knows? Lately I am always afraid I have offended or upset someone. It is just hard trying to please everyone. Most of the time you forget about your own happiness, but for me I am happier when everyone else is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|01:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
continuation.........
I went down to the hospital to take care of him and from then on we were together. We had some lapses in our relationship but things would always get patched up.
Right now I am on my lunch break. I actually had to leave work because it is terrible sitting their looking at Michael. It feels like something is missing. I miss him. There is a part of me that wants to be with him and deal with the fighting. It is such a difficult time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|10:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
This morning I woke up two hours early thinking about Michael. I thought that if we were to break up things would be better, that I would have a sense of relief from the escape of fighting. Instead I feel depressed. I am trying to be strong but I miss him so much. Can I really be happy without him?
Michael andI have been together a year and pretty much living together the whole time. We met at the club I was working in but did not start talking until about 4 months later. Michael had been in an accident at work and had to go to the hospital. I |
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